First let me tell you, I wonder quite often. Every day if not every hour, when I have the consciousness. I think it’s because I have nothing more fascinating to think about other than the unknown. I’d just get depressed if I thought about my life and the things I have missed, so I allow my mind to wander and find them. It makes me feel, well, powerful. As if I have some sort of subliminal control over my life. I can wonder about anything and everything to whichever extent I choose. Nothing is definite. Maybe it could be if I wandered upon something worth it. That still makes me depressed. It’s the things I could have had, and in my mind they’re real. I still end up missing them anyway. Sometimes I will wonder about my dad, or my kids, or even my brother. I’ll wonder about things I won’t ever know. At least in my head I can create and become familiar with each aspect of their non existing presence. I understand it all, I just don’t think understanding and knowing are very similar.
I feel like this now and again, but it worries me because it’s more often than not. I’ve brought it up to mom years ago before I went away, but she brushed it off so I figured I would pretend to as well.
The past few times we had gone out to dinner alone I thought about bringing it up. Well, blurting it out. Quietly of coarse, a soft whisper over our Tai lettuce wraps. But than I’d picture her reaction. She would probably be embarrassed and I’d ruin dinner. Not to mention I’d want dessert, but I’d pass to avoid anymore time spent looking for something to talk about to divert the issue. So I just sat and took my casually long sips of water to wash down the words crawling up my throat.
But I find myself here again. Trapped in my mind. Wishing I could exhale my burdens with each drag of this fucking overpriced and overrated killer. I watch it flow and dissolve, flow and dissolve. Praying it would kill me now rather than later. Praying. A word used far and few in my vocabulary, but not lately. It’s all a placebo really. Yeah thats it. Something to do, something to say, hoping to make it dissolve.